A Visible Deliberation

I was recently asked the question, "to what extent should we be concerned with our physical attributes"?

How would you answer?

Inspiration...

http://www.jennackerman.com/trapped/

This is a very heart-wrenching and depressing multimedia presentation about mental health issues in America's prisons. It's intriguing to me because it's the kind of multimedia work that I'm interested in, but I was thoroughly saddened after watching it. Beware.

Welcome to My World

"Writing is easy: all you do is sit staring at a blank sheet of paper until the drops of blood form on your forehead." --Gene Fowler

For a photo class at Penn State, I was recently required to read a book called Art & Fear by David Bayles and Ted Orland. The two artists wrote this manuscript to reach other artists in the world, and to explain the "difficulties and rewards" that come with creating art.

I felt as if I'd written it myself. At least most of it. So, here is my response:

I struggle with the idea that some people believe what I do is easy. Always have. Probably always will. It's a problem, I admit, but what did I ever do to the people that think so? It's not my fault I chose to do what I enjoy...and that maybe I'm good at it.

I cannot argue that engineering, medical, chemistry, and other scientific fields are easy. The same with the business world. That is not my point. I would never embark on such an intense journey through school and career. I'm not cut out for that, and, quite frankly, I think my brain would explode. We need doctors, engineers, scientists, and business people to make the world go around. But what about artists? Are we needed? It's just a little frustrating that what I do is not usually taken seriously as a career.

This is the misunderstood and thankless part of what we do as artists, as the authors pointed out. People take for granted the creative part of life. The museums that they visit on their vacations are the result of thousands of hours of laborious brainstorming, forming, and fixing. But how many people actually consider the years it takes for a painter to complete a painting? And the photographs that are the flavor of a newspaper or magazine do not just appear. They do not result from working at a desk and crunching numbers. Do people ever think of the photographer's effort to get that photo to the public?

This job of artistry takes time, agility, problem solving, efficiency, and knowledge of materials. This is not your typical nine-to-five, punch-in-punch-out job. Art follows you wherever you go. There is no leaving it at the office. You think about it, you dream about it, you see it wherever you go. It is a part of who you are. When your audience tells you that your work sucks, it’s not because you misread a number or mixed the wrong ingredient and got the wrong answer. There is no right or wrong answer, it is completely subjective to the viewer. It is not concrete, it is not practical, and this is why:

Because the work that you do as an artist is all about you. It’s your life, and it’s your purpose. It’s who you are, and it’s what you believe. Your livelihood depends on what the world thinks of you.

So, when someone tells you that your job is easy, all you can think about is the hours that you’ve put in, all the brainstorming you’ve done. It's belittling. Your heart is put under the lights in a gallery for all to judge, and they say that it’s easy. You’ve put yourself out on a sheet of glossy or matte paper, and people depreciate you because what you've made is not important to the world.

This is why I feel that I have to defend what I do. Because, in defending my career choice, I am defending my person. But there is no easy way to explain to people how difficult it really is to make and present art.

I am in no way attempting to ignore the fact that creating art brings incredible joy to the lives of artists, because there are few things that are more satisfying than a finished piece, or seeing the captured  moment spread out on photo paper in front of you. I do think, however, a little more respect for the arts could go a long way.

Just a little more ranting...

So I don't have many, if any, finals during finals week. My academic life must be so simple.

I suppose the insanity of the last three weeks of the semester that includes projects on top of cumulative exams doesn't really matter either.

So please, next time you'd like to tell me that you wish you had my job, that I'm "lucky" because all I have to do in my field is "take pictures," that it must be so easy to find a job because I have a portfolio with my resume, that it must be so relaxing to do what I do...try to remember that I sit through hours of critique, where not only is my work tested and tried, but my personality. Because, when I create something, it is from my inner being. The art reveals a part of who I am as a person, and when my work is thrown on the chopping block, whether good or bad reviews come, I am thrown on as well.

Remember that when you see and experience art every day, hours of hard work went into that one piece. Whether it's a photo, a sculpture, a painting, or a book, think about it. Someone puts their creativity into what you're looking at. Learn to appreciate all fields and their significance to the world. All careers have differences. That doesn't mean that one is easier or harder than another. They're just different--like people. It takes different types of people to do different careers, and our world wouldn't be the same without them all.

If you are still reading...thank you.

Not Exactly a Master of Disguise

It's that time in the life of a college student.

The one where she realizes she's only got one year left to enjoy this beautiful independent dependence. Where she's still on her parents' phone plan, health insurance, car insurance, and hasn't yet taken over her loan payments. Scratch that. Not even a year. Less than six months. Graduation is suddenly looking a little bittersweet.

I'm in a pickle.

(When's the last time I've heard anyone say that phrase?)

Back to me being in a pickle...

Job hunting has come full force, and this very blog is one of the things that's got me to thinking. I have written my website on my resume, and my online journaling is linked to the site. Therefore, potential employers are welcome to observe my musings. This is where I put myself out there for friends, family, and, well, the whole world to see. It's a good feeling to have a place to write so people can read what goes on in my mind. I like the fact that, because I'm not the best at mind-to-mouth speech, my thoughts become words on this page. So, what happens when what goes on in my mind--who I really am--does not sit well with the people looking to hire me?

I'll tell you.

I don't get a job.

How do I relate to those in my field and still be myself--still live openly for Christ? This is a timeless question that all Christians deal with. I've thought about this a lot lately, and here is what I decided:

I have never forced my beliefs on anyone, and I never intend to do so. However, I fully intend to be honest and open about my faith. It's who I am. I'm not the type of person to just walk up to someone and ask about his or her faith, but if someone else is that type of person, I answer honestly. I don't hide behind my faith, and I don't hide my faith.

One of my biggest pet peeves is that people don't act like themselves around me if they know I'm a Christian. I'd so much rather know who a person really is than know their mask. I have said before that this is one reason I love journalism. I want to know a person's story. So, it's only fair that I let people in on my story. No forcing. No drawn out life-storytelling sessions. I live my life without a mask. I am what you see when you see me.

Me: Photo Editor? ahem...Me: Photo Editor!

There's something satisfying about having my name printed next to the words "Photo Editor" in a daily newspaper. It's almost as exciting as seeing a photo credited to my name on the front page and remembering what I experienced to achieve that photo...

I said, "almost." Nothing that has to do with my job is as exciting as the last mentioned.

Is this slight thrill because the hard work of three years on staff has finally gotten me here, and settled me comfortably in a position of leadership? I know I'm capable of leading this staff, but where did this foreign sense of ability come from?

I've learned nearly everything I know about news photography from the Daily Collegian. In no way do I attempt to make the false statement that I know everything about news photography--I doubt I ever will. Nevertheless, I've asked myself a few questions recently in light of my newest staff position:

Where would I be if I had not applied to be on staff, or had not been accepted?

How has this job affected the person that I used to be? How would I have grown differently otherwise?

How has this learning experience of three+ years prepared me for what lies ahead?

Well, I did not say that I am sure of the answers. Although, I can assure you I've been thinking about them. Through much prayer and contemplation, answers from this pool of questions are beginning to break the surface. Here's what I've got so far:

I would NOT be anywhere near the photographer I am today if I had not been forced to commit to the Collegian once I presented my consent to make it a priority. Staff positions have quotas and other requirements, and that is how we get things done--also how we remain on staff. I can barely imagine what my portfolio would look like...honestly, I doubt I would have much of anything to show for myself. Yes, I am a photography student (as well as photojournalism), but assignments in class do not often reflect what a real, working newsroom encompasses. If I had only worked on my skills within my classes, I admit that I may not have lived up to my full potential as a photographer.

Second question.

I am shy. Then again...I am not shy. Depends on the situation. I have discovered someone inside of myself that is truly unafraid to get in the face of a perfect stranger, and then have the audacity to walk up to these innocent bystanders, who display quite the startled expressions (most of the time), and require their name and information. The Amish would say I have stolen their souls. As a close decendent of Amish ancestry, I permit myself to say that I can only hope I've captured a glimpse into that soul. This may sound cheesy to you, but it's one of the things I live for.

I am suddenly a go-get-em kind of person. I seek unless God asks me to wait. If I had not had to step out of my comfort zone hundreds of times to talk to people I have never seen or will see again, I may not be the minister of Christ that I am now. Seriously. I've thought about that. I am convinced that I am so willing to reach out to people mostly because of my work at the Collegian. It's crazy how God puts us in unexpected places where we learn to love others.

This leads me to my third question.

I know God used this place to help me grow so that I may better serve His kingdom. I am so excited that I have this background as a contribution to my career choice. It's given me more experience and confidence than I could ask for as I head toward graduation next spring. More than that, the Collegian has blessed me. BLESSED me. Through the rough times and the exciting times, I've been challenged and stretched in my love for those that I work with and those that I've photographed. Not only am I confident that I have the potential to be a great photojournalist, I have attained a confidence in myself, in my ability to love other people and relate to them. I know that love is a strange word to use here, but it's the absolute truth. My appreciation for people and their uniqueness has grown with the photos I've shot. I'm positive that God will lead me, using everything He's taught me in the past few years.

Wow. I think I'm truly looking forward to where I'm going with the Collegian as my last year as a Penn State student continues.

My space on the web

Finally. It's done. Well...done is a relative term since I'll be adding to it as I keep shooting. 

BUT it's ready for your viewing pleasure.

My website is currently under the url: www.personal.psu.edu/mak5146

Enjoy!

Numbering boxes and crossing words

I'm sitting at the senior desk at the Collegian, bored as usual, having completely filled out both the day's sudoku and crossword--a rare accomplishment--and, since it's Monday, a relatively easy feat to overcome. What else to do but look over my class schedules for the remaining semesters at Penn State and attempt to not wince at the fact that by this time next year I will be about ready to graduate? Since a lot of my senior friends are preparing to exit Penn State, it's been on my mind a lot lately. I wonder when I'll see them again, and for most of them, unless they come back to visit within the next year, it doesn't look promising. Sad.

I think the subject of what the future holds has come up a lot in my conversations with friends from home, specifically. Talking to my best girlfriends makes me really miss them and hope to see them soon, but at the same time...I know that our lives are very different now from when we were in high school. It makes me doubt that the spontaneous summer hang-outs we've shared will ever be unplanned again. Most of them are on their way toward graduation and "the real world," just like me. They don't know what their future looks like either. This even leaves me wondering if I'll get to see my family more than a few times a year after college--like my mom sees hers. Will I be able to handle not watching Nicholas grow up into his teenage years? Not being an active participant in his life? Depending on where life leads...I really can't answer those questions.

I'm staying here in State College for the summer, and next year probably the same since my apartment lease continues until then. After that, I have no idea, but I don't think I'll go back to Lancaster. I've often wondered where my photography work will take me, and it's an exciting thought. An adventure...and anyone who really knows me will tell you that I love adventure.

My job can take me anywhere; God can take me farther than that. I like to have some sort of plan, and I might as well choose the best, most adventurous one there is for my life.

So, this is my plan:

Follow the One that's already got a plan specially made for me. Can't go wrong. And that is a comforting thought.